"My Parents Didn't Birth Their Retirement Plan": Vietnamese Australian Psychologist Helen Tang on Anxiety and Family

🎁 Free Resource: Download our guide How to Talk About Mental Health with Your Asian Parents → HERE

What do you do if you can't find the right words to talk about your mental health with your parents? Vietnamese Australian psychologist Helen Tang shares her journey with anxiety, medication, and learning how to care for herself while staying connected to her family - offering hope for other Asian Australians facing similar challenges.

In this episode of the Asian Mental Health Podcast, Asami sits down with Melbourne psychologist Helen Tang, founder of True You Psychology, to explore what it means to navigate mental health when language, culture, and family expectations collide in Asian Australian households.

Helen shares her lived experience of growing up speaking "Vietglish," managing panic attacks, and receiving a diagnosis of generalised anxiety disorder while working retail as a psychology student. She opens up about what therapy taught her, why medication was a turning point, and how working with a Vietnamese Australian psychologist made all the difference in her healing journey.

🎧 You'll hear about: 

✅ How to talk about mental health with Asian parents when language is a barrier 

✅ Managing generalised anxiety disorder as an Asian Australian 

✅ Why working with culturally competent psychologists matters 

✅ Breaking down medication stigma in Asian communities 

✅ Setting respectful boundaries while maintaining family harmony

💡 Episode Highlights:

• Introduction: what happens when you don't have the words to talk about mental health with Asian parents
• Panic attacks, dread cycles, and receiving a diagnosis of generalised anxiety disorder
• The power of psychoeducation: learning about the cortisol awakening response
• Therapy vs anxiety: when self-care isn't enough, and why switching therapists is okay
• Medication stigma in Asian communities, and Helen's "flotation device" metaphor
• Explaining therapy and medication to parents when you only speak "Vietglish"
• Respectful boundaries: humour, playfulness, and love languages with Asian parents and aunties
• Filial piety, obligation, and reframing the idea of being your parents' "retirement plan"
• Finding authenticity and becoming the "true you" as an Asian Australian

🧠 Key Takeaways from Helen: 

• "My parents didn't birth their retirement plan" - reframing filial duty and self-care for Asian Australians
• The flotation device metaphor: medication as support while therapy teaches you to swim
• Storytelling and love languages as bridges when words don't translate between cultures
• Culturally adapted communication: setting boundaries that maintain harmony and respect

👤 About the Guest 

Helen Tang is a Vietnamese Australian psychologist and founder of True You Psychology. She specialises in working with Asian Australians navigating anxiety, cultural identity, and family dynamics. Helen provides culturally responsive therapy that understands the unique challenges facing Asian Australian communities.

📱 Helen's instagram: https://www.instagram.com/helentang.psychologist  

🔗 Find Helen and other Asian Australian psychologists on the Asian Mental Health Practitioner List https://www.justshapesandsounds.com/asianaustralianmhpractitionerlist   

🙌 Connect with us: 

Instagram: https://instagram.com/justshapesandsounds   

LinkedIn: https://linkedin.com/company/justshapesandsounds 

Website: https://justshapesandsounds.com 

Watch the episode below or find us on Spotify or Apple Podcasts!

Subscribe to the Asian Mental Health Podcast on your favourite app, and please leave a review so other Asian Australians can find these important conversations about mental health and cultural identity. 💛 

Transcript:

Asami: Hi there, it's Asami with you here. What do you do if you don't know how to talk about your mental health in your parents' language? How can you help them to understand what you're going through, or even to ask for what you need? Many of us aren't as fluent in our ancestral languages as we would like to be, me included. But when we go through challenges in life, that can make it really difficult to maintain strong relationships with our families. This is the story that Helen Tang, a Vietnamese Australian psychologist and founder of True You Psychology is here to talk about today. She shares her experience of generalized anxiety disorder, taking medication for her anxiety, and how working with a Vietnamese psychologist really helped her mental health in profound ways. If you've ever struggled to find the right words to talk your mental health with your parents, or if you've every questioned whether you're being a good enough child to your parents. This episode's for you. 

~

Helen, hello. Thank you so much for being here with us today. Thank you for having me, I'm really excited to be here. I have a really random question to start with because I know that you practice EMDR, Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing. Yes, a mouthful isn't it? It's such a mouth full, but we got there. I've heard, so I do a lot of running, but I've hear that running mimics EMDR because of that bilateral stimulation because you're taking like one step, Right foot, left foot, right, left. Is this true? 

Helen: I feel like you could technically say running is a type of bilateral stimulation, which is a core element of EMDR therapy, but it's definitely not the same. So EMDR Therapy is an eight-phase protocol that needs to be guided by a therapist in a very particular way. So the type of Bilateral Stimulation we would usually do in a session would be guiding the clines. I movements with our hands or it would be tapping. Although I have, I have no, I've known of other therapists recommending running as kind of like a self care for after a session to continue the processing, but yeah, but definitely not within the session and it's not. 

Asami: Like me just going for a run and being like, yep, my trauma is done. 

Helen: Well, you should be great with wasn't it? Um, yeah, I feel like you could, you could get like a calming effect from, but it's definitely not the same as EMDR therapy. 

Asami: Interesting. And why would it help like after, like if a therapist is like, I'll go and do some running after EMDR. 

Helen: That way. That's a really good question. So bilateral stimulation essentially means you're activating left and right brain hemispheres. So when you're running and that's happening, there is a calming effect and it kind of desensitizes you to the state that you're 

Asami: So it's like coming to do right, left, right, left, left left. Yeah. Interesting. Okay. Isn't it? Yeah. Well, I'm going to think of that on my long run tomorrow. So thank you. I'll be like, I'll doing myself good here. Anyway, back to the serious questions, right? So Helen, I want you to take us back to when you were 20 years old. And I believe at that time you were working in retail. Retail is never easy, but can you paint that picture for me and tell me. What was going on for you then? 

MX in - Mr Payne

Helen: So I worked in retail for probably over 10 years as you do when you're a psychology student because it takes forever to. 

Speaker 3: Initiative studies and get registered. I was selling handbags for 

Helen: For about a year or so, then I actually quit this job to go and work for a bookshop. I mean, who doesn't want to work in a book shop? It's like the best job for an introvert. However, said bookshop did close down on me, so I found myself stranded as this broke student. So I basically reapplied for the initial job that I had quit. 

The reason, initially I had quit this job actually... Was because of the manager in the store. 

She was an older lady that I, I, you know, just found quite intimidating to be around. And she was still there waiting for me when I got back the second time. She's like, look who came crawling back. Exactly. That's what it felt like. But, you know, I was desperate. I was like, I'm so close to finishing my studies. Like this is not a forever job. 

Y’know she was someone who. I don't know if she realized it or not, but took advantage of junior staff. And, um, yeah, it was just not a nice environment. I didn't feel like it was ever really safe to ask questions and make mistakes around her. I think the lead up to one of these shifts in this store would just be so worried about how I was going to cope being around her for six hours. And I'd be stressed throughout the whole shift. And then by the end of the shift, I'd been completely exhausted. And this cycle just kept repeating. It was not a fun time. 

Asami: Tell me, like, how did it affect you? I know the dread cycle, but what kind of things were happening to you? 

Helen: I just felt on edge the whole time. It was just, I felt like I was having to try and predict and rehash things. And I think my, my tolerance for uncertainty was pretty much like non-existent. Um, I thought like I needed a game plan for everything and I had to kind of come up with plans for every possible scenario to feel prepared. Oh, wow. Yeah, I wasn't sleeping. I The worst part really was the panic attacks that I had never really felt before. 

MX out

Asami: What does a panic attack feel like? 

Helen: It's awful it really is it's it's like this sense of just dread and doom and despite you logically knowing that you're perfectly fine in the space that you are like I could be in my bedroom I could. In a handbag store where there are really no changes you know what I mean it's the sense of. You're on edge you're hyper vigilant you're kind of preparing for something to jump out at you and you just have no control over it. 

Asami: Someone has once described it as like that feeling of, when you get a phone call from someone and they're telling you like someone's been in an accident or someone's died or it's like that kind of thing but all the time. 

Helen: Yeah, yeah, that sense of dread, like your stomach dropping, like you're like, Oh God, what am I, what am i about to hear? How do I gear myself up for what I'm about to hear? 

Asami: Yeah, and does that come in waves? 

Helen: Uh, yes. 

Asami: Or is it like moments, like bam, and then... 

Helen: I think both really, it would come in waves, but it would also be linked with specific triggers. I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder following, you know, working in this space. And I think for me, it did sort of start in the workplace, but then I found myself worrying about all the little things that sound so silly, even just to name like I felt like. If I was going to go see my friend for lunch, I would need to kind of like Google maps how long it would take to get there and then like figure out days in advance where I would park my car. Like, you know, that tolerance for uncertainty was just non-existent. 

Asami: Oh, well, yeah, because of that shop essentially like kind of disappeared, like your, that window of tolerance essentially is just gone. Yeah. Yeah. That's what it felt like. And I know you said you received that diagnosis, but tell me about your experience of kind of getting to therapy. You're like, okay, this doesn't feel right. I need to go to therapy, like what, what were those steps there? 

Helen: I've always really been an anxious person, but this was different. This was something I felt like, you know, your basic self care, the strategies I would usually use to get through a stressful moment were just not working like, You know, the reassuring myself, the staying active, the seeing friends and you know the journaling, I feel like, as valuable as that was, it just wasn't enough to get myself back to a place where function, like I could, I could go to work. I could show up to a lecture at the time or, you know, go to a class. So I felt like this was beyond my capacity to cope and that the responses that my nervous system was having was clearly disproportionate to what was happening in front of me. What, what did you do in therapy? One of the first really helpful things I remember Psychoeducation is essentially, you know, being taught what the heck was going on in my brain, like what generalized anxiety disorder was, how common it was, that I wasn't going crazy, that this is manageable. A lot of what my experience was, was like, needing that sense of certainty. Cause I really just couldn't trust myself to cope with the uncertainty and learning about what was going on in my body and in my mind gave me that sense of, okay, I know what's up. I'm starting to feel a bit more in control of this. That almost felt empowering. Like Can I share like a fun fact that I actually learnt? Yeah, this sticks in my brain for some reason. Um, have you heard of the cortisol awakening effect? So neither did I, but I learnt this and I was mind blown. So essentially it's this thing where in everyone's brains, when we're waking up in the morning, there's a natural spike in cortisol just to increase alertness and for most people, this is felt like a gentle wake up call. If you're someone that struggles with anxiety, especially disordered anxiety, what's supposed to be a gentle wake up call essentially feels like a fire alarm going off in your head. 

Asami: Well, like in the morning, so you wake up and yeah. 

Helen: And I guess I was mind blown learning this, um, but also I felt so validate. I was like, that's why when I wake up and literally nothing has happened, like I've just rolled over and checked Instagram cause that's what I do in the morning, um why do I feel like the day ahead is so daunting, you know, it's it's something biological happening and yeah, you don't learning things like that, it just puts, it, just, it joins the dots and it makes you feel like. Okay. It's not like I am doing anything wrong here. This is just my body doing what it needs to do because it thinks it's trying to keep me safe by doing that thing as silly as it is. 

Asami: But knowledge is power, isn't it? It's like when you know, or there's language to it, you're like, yeah, that makes sense. And then it kind of takes the charge out of the awful experiences that you're having to deal with too. 

Speaker 4: That's right. 

Asami: Can you help me to understand that difference between generalized anxiety disorder and anxiety? I guess. 

Helen: The Disorder part is definitely a key difference.

MX in - None of my business

If it's quote, just anxiety, essentially your fight or flight response switches off once the trigger is gone. And I guess for me, the response in my body, how long I was spending ruminating, worrying Was clearly excessive and it got to the point where it was impacting the things that I would be able to usually do. if I was having, you know, quite normal levels of stress, it would be, it would be unpleasant, but I would still be able to do what I needed to do. Whereas when, you know, it was generalized anxiety disorder, it was beyond my level of coping, really. 

Asami: Yeah, like functioning, you can't do your studies, you can't go to work. 

Helen: Your studies as well. 

Asami: Or did you kind of just push through? 

Helen: I pushed through, I don't know how I did it, but I got through, thankfully. 

MX out

Asami: Isn't it weird how people do things like that as in like, we do things like that, like you're, you're obviously struggling, but yet you're like, okay, let me get my degree done. 

Helen: Yep, there really is no choice. So I was like, this is too important. I just need to push through somehow. And thankfully I did. 

Asami: Just have to get it done. Yeah. Yeah, that's right. What would you say to people who were, who are feeling really anxious? And then they're like, I'm not sure. Like, is this generalized anxiety disorder? Am I just feeling anxious? At what point should someone seek out help? 

Helen: I think it doesn't hurt to go and have a chat with your GP, it doesn' hurt to book in for one or two therapy sessions just to get an opinion from a professional, because I think when you're in it, it's hard to really gage how intense it is, and I don't think a lot of people know that it's really common, you know, to start. A therapy journey with a particular therapist and then realize you're not really clicking and then to change like that's completely fine. Like it's normal. It's really common. I know I don't just speak for myself, but when this happens, you know, like therapists, we don't take offense to, we'd much rather you find someone that you really gel well with. And so, yeah, it doesn't hurt to have the conversation if you're feeling unsure. 

Asami: Yeah. And it doesn't have to be like a disorder to seek support too, right? Well, exactly. It's like you could just be struggling and then maybe it helps to go. 

Helen: A hundred percent, a hundred percent. In fact, it's probably best to come in when you're not in a crisis point. 

Asami: Yep. Yes. So it's kind of like, you don't need to worry about, is this generalized anxiety disorder? Is this anxiety? Am I just feeling stressed? Like you don't have to worry about that too. It's like, if you need help, you need to help. Or if you needs support, you needs to support. Doesn't matter the level of intensity. Yeah, that's right. 

Helen: Yeah, that's right. It's not like we're going to turn you away and be like, oh, sorry, you're fine. Bye. Do you know what I mean? There's no threshold for how much you're struggling in which you can ask for support. 

Asami: What about medication? Did you take medication in your recovery journey of generalized anxiety disorder? 

Helen: I did actually, um, and I think I really wanted to talk about this with you today, cause I think for especially people of an Asian culture, there's this sense of almost admitting defeat in some ways by choosing to take medication for something that is psychological, emotional, mental. But let me put it this way. If my anxiety was me drowning in an ocean, the medication was. This flotation device that I could hold on to whilst the therapy taught me to swim. 

Asami: I love that metaphor. Thank you. Okay. Hang on. You were drowning. The medication is the float that you could hold onto. Therapy was helping to teach you how to swim back to shore. That's a beautiful analogy. 

Helen: I think it just created this buffer for me emotionally where the therapy could start to be effective or more effective. It just enhanced what I was gaining through my therapy sessions. 

Asami: Did it take time to find the right medication for you? 

Helen: I think I got really lucky, like I responded really well to the first one that I was put on. But again, it is quite common to take a few goes before you figure out the right perhaps brand or dosage of what you're on if you're in medication. So it's important to have a really good GP to guide you through that process. And that's 

Asami: the GP, not the psychologist that helps you there. 

Helen: Uh, so psychologists aren't able to prescribe medication. We know we've got, we've gotten knowledge of the psychotropic medication, but we're not, um, medical professionals, so we can't prescribe. 

Asami: So would someone work in therapy and then the psychologist would say, go back, talk to your GP about medication and then you'd be like, oh, okay. And then you go back to the GP, the same GP that referred you to the psychologist and then talk to them about medication, how it works. 

Helen: Yep. So I've guided a couple of my own clients through similar conversations where, you know, suggested that it's worth having a chat to see what their GP thinks about medication as an option, depending on what they're going through. Were you scared about taking medication? I, I wasn't scared of the medication in terms of like the side effects, but it was more in my mind. I remember thinking. It was almost alarmist. It was like, Ooh, if someone's, uh, suggesting medication, it must mean I'm really like bad. I'm, really struggling for me to have to need this prescription. There was almost like this sense of like judgment and stigma I felt on myself. Um, but yeah, working through that, even in therapy, it got to a point where I was like well, look, why shouldn't we be able to lean on the things that help us? 

Asami: Yeah. You kind of mentioned earlier about how many Asian people or some Asian people, they resist taking medication. They think it's like an easy way out or something like that. Like, where does that come from? Where do you think that comes from? 

Helen: I think it almost links to a sense of failure, doesn't it? Like this sense of like, well, if I could get through it without medication, I did that because I was strong enough to, therefore if I had to take medication, it means I couldn't hack it. I couldn't t, I didn't have the strength to do it on my own, that kind of thing. 

Asami: I'm asking because I'm definitely like a medication resistant human, like even Neurofen, it will take me so, so, so long until I take Neurophen, you know, like I will resist all medication forever, you know, until it's like, all right, you've got to take something. 

Helen: Yeah. You know, my auntie actually. Yeah. Yeah, she's like that. Yep. And then I'll take the Neurofin and I'll be like, Oh yeah, the pain's gone. I feel great. I don't know what it is like for you with that resistance, but as I'm thinking about my aunt here, when you say that, and I know for her, it's more like wanting to lean on natural remedies, natural medicines, like she's a big fan of Chinese medicine and herbal remedies. And I guess there's almost like a mistrust. Western medicine or I guess maybe an anxiety about being becoming dependent on it like I've had clients say to me before like a reason they are a bit anxious about going on medication or considering it is the worry that they could become addicted or dependent on. 

MX in - My Friends

Asami: Yeah, it's weird, huh? I think I'm all of the above, but, or like, I, sometimes I fear if I take the Neurofen, this is just a stupid Neurofan example, then what happens if one day I take it too much and then the Neurofin doesn't work and then what do I do? You know? Oh, you're worried about like your tolerance or something. Yeah, but I generally, um, just a bit of a resistant personality. 

MX out

Speaker 3: I wanted to bring your mother into this 

Asami: conversation too. How, how did that relationship play out? Like as you were like one, in that retail job, but then two, going to therapy, three, getting medication for generalized anxiety disorder. Did you communicate all of this with your mom or your family? 

Helen: Say, me and mum, I love her, we've got a great relationship. But it was tough having this conversation with her and trying to explain to her what I was going through. I think, and it's probably not the case for every single Asian parent or family, but at least for mine, I feel like there was quite an overly simplified understanding of what mental health is. So I For my mom, it was, you're either just a little bit stressed, you know, just a little bit anxious or you're full crazy. There's no gray area. So when I'm trying to explain, I'm in the gray area, I, you know, I don't need to be hospitalized, but I'm also not just a little bit stress. I think there was, there was genuine confusion with that. And because of that, there was even a... An even greater level of worry and concern for my mum, but not being able to really understand what that meant for me to have an anxiety disorder and have to take medication. 

Asami: Was it just one conversation or was it many conversations that you were trying to explain mental health challenges? 

Helen: I was a few, I remember telling her about me going to see a psychologist and trying to explain what therapy was and she kind of just looked at me and was like, just come talk to me, come talk to for free. I love that, yeah. Yeah, firstly, we don't talk about feelings, so how do you, yeah, she probably just that out of, like, not really knowing what else to say, I guess. So there was the initial one about, this is what I'm going through. This is the supports that I'm leaning on therapy and medication and the language barrier certainly didn't help. Um, so I speak Vietlish. So on, yeah, tell us what's that on a, on a bad day, it is 80% English, 20% Viet phrases on a good day. It's probably 60, 40. 

Speaker 4: Mm-hmm. 

Helen: So I don't, I feel like I don't have the level of Viet fluency to have a DNM with my mom. Do you know what I mean? Like we can, we can go to Yum Cha and order food. We can count. We can swear just the basics, but we can't have a good, like a deep and meaningful chat about our feelings. 

Asami: For context, were you born here? I was, yes. Okay, and your mom? Okay, so then how did you learn that 20% of Vietnamese? Oh gosh. 

Helen: Um, just, just observing, just listening from, you know, mom talk to the aunties and the young calls, I was a bit school dropout. I think I made it to like. I don't even know, grade four, and I gave up. That's something I regret. 

Asami: Yeah. Don't we all? Yeah. Tell me more like, you kind of insinuated it, but how do you and your mum, like, how do you then communicate, like not just the ordering the food kind of conversations, how do you talk and connect about other stuff? 

Helen: Yep. So I, words are tricky. You know, I feel like it would just be not like us to be like, Oh, I love you so much. I really appreciate the things you do for me. Like, I mean, I could say it and she'd be receptive, but it just isn't the norm for us to, to express affection in that way. What I've really tried to do is start by leaning into her preferred love language. So, you know, like I do things like when she calls me, I'll ask her if she's had, if she's eaten yet. You know, if you have your dinner, because I know that that's a way to kind of express care. Um, if I'm going away, I'm traveling somewhere, I'll, I call a message and say, do you want me to bring you anything back? Cause I know gifts, gifts can be really sentimental and show thoughtfulness. Oh yeah. Talk us through the love languages first. Gifts, acts of service, quality time, physical touch. 

Asami: Words of affirmation. Words of Affirmation. Yeah. Yeah. They should be like the Asian one. I know right. Like giving food. 

Helen: Yeah, giving food, doing favors and chores. Maybe not chores. I get in trouble if I say that, but you know, it's kind of like giving, giving you like a lift somewhere or pet sitting for you if you're going away. That's what I mean. 

Asami: So you really work to try and understand your mum's love languages, and then try to communicate using that. 

Helen: Yeah, so I'll start there and I'll try and model to her words of affirmation slowly. So, you know, when we're hanging out, I'll ask her to tell me about her childhood, like the other day I asked her to tell me her first love, like what she was like as a teenager. And I felt like we really connected through that storytelling as well. 

Asami: Mmm. 

Helen: Yeah, was that in English? 

Asami: It was in Viet, I'm quite proud of myself, yes, that was in Vietnam, thank you. What happens though, like, with the mental health challenges, how does one, how do you communicate with your mum, especially when there are some words that just don't translate into other languages. 

Helen: That's a tricky question and I wish I had like a fairy tale answer to that, but I don't think I have the fairy tale answers to that which is, you know, why it's even more important to find a culturally informed therapist.

MX in - Move Out

I worked with a Vietnamese psychologist when I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder. Didn't kind of download Duolingo into my head or anything like that, but she gets it. It's just the nuances of an Asian family. I mean, for example, not that this happened, but say there was tension. I was having beef with like my auntie or something like that. I know that she, this Vietnamese therapist wouldn't be going through assertive communication skills and telling me how to confront an elder in the family. Like you just don't do that. So certain things that you just got. 

MX out

What is the set of? 

Asami: Communication. 

Helen: Assertive communication is this middle ground between standing your ground in something, backing yourself, but not being disrespectful. 

Asami: Okay. Okay. Can you give me a sentence? Like just, just say this wasn't like a Vietnamese family, but your auntie was doing something annoying and you needed to assertively communicate something in like this Western framework. What, what would that example sentence be? 

Helen: I know that you mean well when you mention how full my plate is, but if you're going to continue making those comments, I'm going to leave the table. 

Asami: Okay. Okay. Yep. I hear you. And then let's put that culturally informed lens over it. How then would you adapt that sentence? Because it's like, that's your intention. I get it. 

Helen: So I'm a big fan of using humine playfulness. I feel like it's a good way to still be respectful but get your message across. So with that example, I just gave about the, commenting on weight or how much I'm eating. Say if it was my aunt, I would probably say to her something like, oh, auntie, you don't need to worry. I'm gonna grow big and strong. It's fine. You don't have to worry about how I'm meeting. Something like that. 

Asami: Yeah, nice and it's like you're, you're still using respect, but yet you are taking the tension out of the situation and you're still kind of taking care of yourself. That's right. Yeah. And how does that feel for you when you kind of, I don't know, work in this sort of nuanced way that really honors your culture? It feels. 

Helen: It was empowering because I know that it works as I've had to do it before, but then it also feels empowering when I hear my clients report back with, you know, yeah, the use of humor being quite effective with trying to redirect an unwanted behavior, but still maintain that respect and harmony within their family. 

Asami: And then do you mix that with like Vietnamese words and like put that into. 

Helen: It's probably going to be still a Vietglish thing, but my aunties and my family are very fluent in Vietglish, so they get it. 

Asami: Okay. Okay. Yeah. It has to be like that too. For me, I speak similar, Japlish is what I would call it. So it's like, for me, it's sometimes the grammar is Japanese, but the words are English. So I'm like technically speaking Japanese, but using English words. Yeah, because it's, like, I don't know what those actual words Yeah. 

Helen: Yeah. In Japanese. But with the context of it all together, does your family understand what you're trying to say? For the most part. 

Asami: My, okay, so both my parents are bilingual. So I just speak English to them and you know, sometimes they speak Japanese to me, but extended family, I don't think they understand. 

Speaker 4: Okay. 

Asami: I think I have cousins that speak English, so then that's very, very easy to communicate. And sometimes there's people like in the room that might kind of translate things over as well. But just say my auntie, she would speak zero English. So then it's like the conversations feel really simple, you know, like me and her have lot in common, but there's a lot that I can't get to, I can access. 

Speaker 4: Mm. 

Asami: And we're still having conversations as if I'm a child because I don't have the language to have deep conversations with her. 

Helen: It's a really common experience, yeah, and I can relate to this as well. It feels like you can only go so far with how, how much you can strengthen that connection with that language barrier. 

Asami: And they remember you as a kid too, right? So it's kind of like you just are a kid, but this adult body. 

Helen: It doesn't help because if they're remembering you as a kid and they're treating you like a kid, you kind of accidentally revert back to your kid version as well. I notice that happen. 

Asami: And probably like the words that we're using are very kiddish as well, right? Yeah, that's right. Do you think you'll ever learn Vietnamese? 

Helen: I, I really want to, I feel like my brain, it's kind of like my brain and music are just like, fun fact. I played four instruments and quit them all. I'm just not musically wide and I feel like I, but I know, I don't know. I really do want to learn more Vietnamese phrases. 

Asami: Yeah. Do you work with Vietnamese clients or more like Vietnamese, Australian clients? Vietnamese, Australia clients. Yeah. I'm sure so many are second generation as well. It's like, it's like you want someone that understands, but it's not necessarily like you wanna go to a therapist to speak Vietnamese. No, not like that. Right? No, that's right. Yeah. Yeah. That's exactly right. On the topic of family, I saw in your Instagram some really awesome content. So everyone can go and check it out. But you said something about, and I've probably misquoted you, but my parents didn't birth their retirement plan. What does that mean? Tell me. 

Helen: I think with that post, I was speaking to this sense of obligation that I know a lot of Asian Australians feel about their aging parents and this sense of responsibility. It feels like the time will come when I need to step up and it doesn't really matter what I've got going on in my personal life. I need to really show respect and honor to my family and give back the sacrifices they've given to me, bye. Sacrificing everything that I have. Like it feels like now we return the favor and it's just very black and white expectation essentially. And I think it's not a realistic expectation to put on to ourselves because it kind of just leads to this sense of resentment and anxiety. 

We're in a different time now where, you know, People who are choosing to have children are choosing for perhaps different reasons than our parents chose to have. Children. And so at least for me, there's not this expectation where if I choose to have kids, I would expect them to drop everything. And I think this is a point of contention for a lot of my clients when this topic comes up is they feel like. How do I still be a good daughter or son, but look after my needs so that the relationship I have with my parents feels authentic. It doesn't feel like it's driven by guilt or obligation and it doesn't lead to resentment. It's a fine balance to strike with that. How, how have you? 

Asami: You navigated that question. 

Helen: Hmm, I don't have an answer to that really. Um, I have a sibling, I'm really thankful to have a sibling and I feel like, you know, when the time does come where, um, family needs a bit of support, I know that I have a sibling to kind of share the load with. But I really do feel, I feel this in my bones and my clients bring it up. 

Asami: It's so tricky, hey? And it reminds me of this thing, like you've done so much self-work and work on yourself to be able to connect with your family and your mum. And you know, like you're offering these little snippets of how people could relate to you and all of that kind of stuff. And I've heard within our community too, that you know it's like the kids are saying, It feels like I'm doing all the work and like it doesn't feel fair for me. Like, I feel like I want something back from the parents too. And it's like, why do I have to go to therapy and learn all of this self-development stuff to be able to kind of relate well to my parents when really like they're 50% of the relationship too. What would you say to someone like that? Thinking like that. 

Helen: That is a perfectly valid thing to be thinking and feeling because it's like, well, now that it feels more okay for us, younger folks to go to therapy, we, we should, whereas it's, like, what's stopping, what stopping parents from stepping up and taking a bit more accountability, even just being open minded to a different perspective.

MX in - Vitalization

it's hard, it hard. And I think it's one of those things where there is no fairytale answer. 

Asami: Yeah, but that's what you say, isn't it? It's a privilege as well. Like how privileged are we that we can go to therapy, that it's not this incredible, you know, like stigmatized thing. It's like we can learn about things. We can try things out in our relationships too. Yeah. Yeah. 

Helen: Definitely, definitely. Yeah, I think it is a privilege to have that option and to have it feel safer and more acceptable now. 

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Asami: Tell me about your practice. It's called true you psychology. Do you feel like you're the true you now? 

Helen: I love a cheesy question, we've got to have a bit of cheese in our lives, don't we? I do feel like I'm the truest version of myself than I have ever been. I think age has certainly helped, like I am 32 this year and it has become easier just to care a little bit less about what people think and laugh at myself and also myself with a bit of grace when things don't go well. And it's something that I really want for my clients as well. Um, and I know that finding authenticity, finding your true self is a lot more complicated for Asian Australians. Um, but I think most of us have grown up with almost very rigid molds of what is expected of us. And, you know, I think it really does take some active reflection. And personal growth to really question. So this is where I've been brought up and these are the values my family has, but what actually feels like it fits for me. So that's something I'm really passionate about facilitating with my clients in my therapy work is to try and recognize their more authentic parts from the molds of a rigid Asian upbringing that they may not really feel is them. 

Asami: Is it therapy that helped you to find that authentic Helen? Yes, I know. 

Helen: Therapy has enhanced the things that I was sort of already reflecting on. Like I love journaling, I'm always writing and I'm as an introvert in my own head, spending a lot of time with myself. But therapy certainly helped, you know, just to have a space to process that, to feel seen and validated in that way. 

Asami: So the no is like, there's all this other stuff that you're doing outside of that therapy space. 

Helen: Yeah, yeah, the journaling, the having conversations with like-minded friends. I found it really helpful to connect with my Asian Australian friends. Um, having that shared experience with them. Are these friends that you've grown up with? I've got this one friend that I've been friends with since grade four. Yeah. Like she's a unicorn. Um, so we've been friend for ages and she has shared a lot of the experiences that I have with, you know, like we're both Vietnamese, Australians, she kind of can definitely relate to the things I've been through. 

Asami: Mmm. Yeah, it's important to have people that have kind of seen your growth as well. Yeah. Absolutely lucky to have.

Well, thank you, Helen. Thank you for joining us and for sharing all of these experiences. They're like really powerful, especially you talking about medication and also how people can communicate with family members that might not share the same language as you. I think you've shared some really beautiful tips as well. 

So just so people can find you, um, there is obviously a website, true you psychology. Yep. TrueYouPsychology.com dot com. And then You can find Helen on Instagram at hellentang.psychologist. Yes, that's right. And you're also on LinkedIn, so look up Helen Tang as well. Everyone, you can find Shapes and Sounds on Instagram and LinkedIn as well @JustShapesAndSounds. Please make sure you subscribe and leave us a review on your favorite podcast app because it really helps other people to find us. Please download this episode for offline listening. It has... Some really important tips and strategies that you can implement. So come back to this later as well. And most importantly, please share this episode with your friends because word of mouth really helps us to de-stigmatize mental health within Asian communities. Thank you so much, Helen. It was a lovely chat with you. Thank you for coming in. Thank you. 

Keywords: Vietnamese Australian psychologist, Asian parents mental health, generalised anxiety disorder, Melbourne psychologist, Asian Australian therapy, culturally competent psychology, anxiety treatment, Asian family dynamics, mental health stigma