Opening up to others safely: A delicate and learnable skill.

I feel like we spend a lot of energy and dialogue around how we can support others by checking in with them when they don’t look or seem so well. Initiatives like R U OK day provide such a valuable resource in helping us understand the value of asking people how they’re doing and how this can literally save lives.

However, perhaps we should also be talking about how we can practice safely opening up to others about our experiences of distress. Like many, if someone asks me “are you ok?” when I’m not feeling ok, my first and probably only answer would be “yeah, I’m fine!”. So how can we start to open up and answer the question, “are you ok?” in a genuine yet safe manner?

I’d say that this is a skill that doesn’t come naturally to many but once learned, it can help us to access (and get the most out of) therapy, feel supported by others and take agency of our sense of wellbeing.

Despite being a therapist myself, opening up about the hard stuff is still something I find difficult and uncomfortable. I was never raised to verbally express my feelings so I’ve lived a long life of answering, “good”, “not bad”, “okay” to any feeling related questions. I know that there is a whole cultural framework around this, but I do remember finding my inability to communicate my experience as suffocating and probably turned to things like music to help me get those feelings out of my body during my teen and young adult years. Even now, as a somewhat grown-up, I can’t deny that I feel lighter and more “well” when I do take those steps to communicate my experiences to another human being.

The points below are the things that I have thought about, or continue to think about when practicing opening up to others about what we’re experiencing.

Choose your audience carefully

Asian diaspora’s are often quick to highlight the lack of emotional availability or safety that our Asian parents provide us in times of distress. But I think that we can think a little more intelligently and culturally responsively about this and choose other alternatives instead.

For example, there is a word, “meiwaku” in Japanese which loosely translates to, “burden” and this word dictates such a huge part of Japanese culture. When we are kids, we’re told to be quiet in restaurants because otherwise we will cause “meiwaku” to the other customers. You learn how to tidy up after yourself because otherwise you’ll cause “meiwaku” to those that come after you and etc. Similarly in terms of personal distress, we can cause “meiwaku” to those around us when we are unwell, un-contained and dys-regulated. And this is not because Japanese people are coldhearted, but it has to do with being an inherently collectivist culture that understands that when you are suffering, most likely others are suffering too. So why are you allowed to burden others with your own troubles when everyone else is working hard to deal with their own troubles without burdening others?

So this cultural understanding helps me to see that perhaps wanting some kind of positive feedback from my family when I open up to them, is a little unfair especially if I catch them off-guard. Plus, like any family, my family feel the most responsible, the most fearful and the most helpless about any experiences of distress I might be having and because of this, it’s inevitable that their initial reactions may be a little strange and/or fear-based.

Personally, I find a close friend or a (very) trusted colleague to be good starting points. There’s a little bit of distance between them and you and perhaps they’re a little less invested in you and you in them too. Which leads me to my next point…

Frame what you’re trying to say in the context of something else, like work

If opening up about your inner state sounds horrifying yet you’ve still read up to this point, perhaps think about framing your experiences in the context of something like work. This may make things feel more “normal” and socially acceptable and provides a safe and easy entry point into your own experiences.

Here’s a prescriptive conversation structure that you might find as an easy entry point into opening up to someone.

You: “How intense have the last few weeks been…?”

Colleague: “Totally…”

You: “I’m finding it really great but I think I’ve been pretty wired for a long time now”

Colleague: “Yeah…”

You: “Actually I’d say it’s affecting me more than usual and I’ve been experiencing XYZ (poor sleep, no appetite, more drinking than usual, super grouchy moods etc)”

Colleague: “Well have you tried… XYZ?”

Which again leads me to my next point…

Don’t expect them to fix the problem for you and don’t expect them to make you feel better

When you present a problem or discomfort to another human being, most likely they will jump in and quickly try to eliminate that discomfort by offering suggestions about what to do. The problem with this is that they’re not trying to ease your discomfort, they’re really just trying to soothe their own and when this happens, you can often feel shut down and unheard.

The way to deal with this is to remember that you are only trying to practice opening up to others rather than expecting someone to fix the problem for you. The solution to your problem often exists within you and the more we can explore (through reflecting, journalling etc) and communicate (through talking, through music etc) the so-called answers will start to emerge. And, engaging with a trained mental health practitioner will help to make that process feel a little less daunting.

My strategy has always been to explain my problem and then kind of zone out as people list the ways in which I should address my concerns. As I zone out, I take a moment to congratulate myself on being able to lift the lid a little and ease a bit of pressure on something that’s been niggling away inside of me.

As you engage in this practice of opening up slowly, you will start to gain a greater sense of who is a safe person to talk to, and how much information is a safe to share. I’ve definitely had experiences of telling the wrong people too many details and have either felt way too vulnerable after, or have found out that my personal information has been shared with others. When things like this happen, I want to shut myself away and never open up about anything again, but now as a mature adult, I move on, I understand that it is more about them than me, and I choose better next time.

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I hope that these ideas help you in some kind of small way. Please note that if you are experiencing a crisis or an emergency, these tips will not be helpful and instead you should call Lifeline on 13 11 14 or the mental health advice line on 1300 60 60 24. If you are in an immediate emergency, please call 000.