Self-doubt and how it impacts self-care.

Before our Asian Australian mental health webinar last month, I put out a call for questions that we could include in our discussion with Dr Phoebe Lau.

One of the most requested questions was,
“When do I need to seek professional help for my mental health?”

I feel this is a very valid question however there’s an expectation or an assumption that I think we need to talk about here.

Unlike other questions that we received like, “how important is it to work with a therapist of a similar cultural background?”, this question about when to seek professional help seems to be asking a question that perhaps could be answered by the individual themselves.

There is a textbook answer to this question which is, “when your symptoms impact other areas of your life” or, “when your symptoms have persisted for 2 or more weeks”. Which are good parameters however I sense that many of us don’t really pay attention to these kind of guidelines. My answer and two cents on this is, "if you have the time and money, now is a good time to seek professional support."

Anyway, let’s parallel this with a much less laden question:
“When should I go to a hairdresser?”

The answer would be; when you feel like whatever it is you’re experiencing (with your hair) can’t be dealt with by your own skills. Perhaps you can trim your own hair but perhaps you can’t give yourself a fade, or maybe you can… everyone’s different. But when your needs exceed your current set of resources, that’s when you should go to a hairdresser, right?

And this is me oversimplifying I know, however seeking professional support for your mental health is kind of the same. You think about what you’re going through (eg. losing work/losing a loved one/feeling unmotivated etc), then you compare that with the current set of resources you have (eg. ability to take time off work and rest/trusted online resource that has been helpful in the past/supportive friends and family etc). Then, ask yourself, "can my resources help me to navigate what I’m experiencing right now?" Which will then inform whether or not you need to seek professional support.

The issue of self-doubt.

However, this question of when to seek professional support often emerges because we feel like we don’t trust ourselves, our thoughts and our feelings enough to make the "right” decision. When it comes to our hair, we trust that we know when to go and see a hairdresser, but when it comes to ourselves, it feels much harder to “know” when you need more help.

So, it might feel safer to ask a professional or an authoritative figure about how we should be caring for ourselves. This is good, you’re taking good steps to care for yourself and it’s important to consider evidence-based thinking, however it’s important to recognise that we’ve actually been taught to distrust and doubt ourselves by wider systemic forces which then deeply impacts our ability to seek support when we need.

Some people experience more doubt than others.

If you’re female-identifying, you’ve been somehow taught to doubt yourself from a young age, because the more you do, the more stuff you'll buy.

Or, if you’re a person of colour, you’ve been somehow taught to doubt yourself because the more you do, the more you’ll stay in line. If you’re both of those categories then that doubt might be further amplified.

It’s no coincidence that this question of “when should I seek professional support?” popped up so much in our community. Many of us have been continually taught to distrust or doubt ourselves in both explicit and implicit ways by the world in which we grew up or in which we find ourselves now.

It’s not just the fact that we are so-called people of colour here in Australia, that perhaps increases the amount of self-doubt we experience. Many of us have ancestry from countries that have long encouraged us not to think for ourselves and instead place our trust in the hands of authoritative figures. And what’s important is to observe how all of these factors lead us to seek external validation when we’re trying to care for our own mental health and wellbeing.

All of these cultural and systemic forces impact the way in which we prioritise our self-care.

Learning from our doubt.

Alongside asking, “when do I need to seek professional support for my mental health?”, perhaps you could also consider asking yourself these reflective questions: 

• Do I trust the way that I feel? And if not, why not?
• Do I trust and see my distress as “real” distress? And if not, why not?
• Am I deserving of feeling better? And if not, why not?

These are the kinds of questions that help us to gain more clarity and confidence in the choices that we make, especially as we navigate periods of low mood or insecurity.

It is self-awareness and an ability to self-reflect deeply that allows us to transcend all of this "stuff" that impacts us without us even knowing.

Ultimately, the more we learn about ourselves, the more we feel connected to ourselves, the more we will be able to answer questions like, “when do I need to seek professional support?” with greater ease.

So how do I become more connected to myself, you ask?

Firstly, asking your trusted friends and family is always a good place to start. Ask them things like, “do you think I’m like that (could be a character/a person/a thing)?” or, “do you think this (could be a hat/a passion project/a career path) is in character for me?” Your family will trigger you and your friends will bend the truth to sound nice, but if you listen with a grain of salt to both sides, you might learn a little more about yourself. (Maybe!)

Secondly, don’t be afraid to pause. Put down your phone, turn off your music, stop fidgeting with your clothes and just do nothing for a bit. It’s very tricky to try and “meet” yourself when you’re constantly drawing your attention outwards. So become accustomed to that strange and slightly awkward feeling of doing nothing and being alone with yourself.

As you do so, your thoughts will scream at you and your body will naturally respond by either trying to action or distract you. But just for a while longer, do nothing as this creates the very valuable space we need to hear ourselves and get to know ourselves deeply. This is all covered in week 1 of the Rest and Reflect program too. 

Thirdly, be critically reflective. Ask yourself, "what has taught me not to trust myself?"

It's very important to rememer that you’re not failing at yet another thing when you can’t tune into your own internal cues or when you naturally turn to authoritative figures to answer questions like “when should I seek professional help?” Instead, start to see that there are many forces at play in the world that perpetually encourage you to turn away from yourself.

Learn more about why people of colour or women are often considered "dangerous" by some when they know and trust themselves. There’s a lot of history there and it’s important that we’re well informed so that we can care for ourselves as best as possible.

The more we know, the more we can choose.

In summary,

I feel like it's completely normal to doubt ourselves every now and then, especially if we're not feeling the best, and that it's also important to ask for advice from valid sources when needed. However, as Asian Australians, we must ensure that we're aware of some of the broader, more systemic forces that might be impacting the degree in which we doubt ourselves. And, we must ensure that this doesn't create further barriers for us as we strive to care for our mental health and wellbeing during these changing times.

Resources.

Here are two amazing books that talk about how knowing and trusting yourself is a political and revolutionary act:

• Know My Name by Chanel Miller
• Untamed by Glennon Doyle

If you would like to work more on gaining the skills to know yourself and trust yourself more, you might be interested in our 6-week Rest and Reflect program which teaches you exactly this skill via weekly video modules.

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If you are experiencing a crisis or fear for your safety right now, please call 000 or Lifeline on 13 11 14 for immediate support.

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